TED Tuesday: Celeste Headlee— 10 Ways To Have A Better Conversation

"I keep my mouth shut as often as I possibly can, I keep my mind open, and I'm always prepared to be amazed, and I'm never disappointed."

Good Afternoon Folks,

Today's TED selection is an ideal compliment to our leadership development work with Dr. Payne.

When your job hinges on how well you talk to people, you learn a lot about how to have conversations — and that most of us don't converse very well. Celeste Headlee was the Midwest Correspondent for NPR before becoming the co-host of the PRI show "The Takeaway.” After that, she guest hosted a number of NPR shows including "Tell Me More,” "Talk of the Nation,” "Weekend All Things Considered” and "Weekend Edition". Celeste also anchored election coverage for PBS World in 2012 and was a regular guest on CNN.

She knows the ingredients of a great conversation: Honesty, brevity, clarity and a healthy amount of listening. In this insightful talk, she shares 10 useful rules for having better conversations. "Go out, talk to people, listen to people," she says. "And, most importantly, be prepared to be amazed.

I think the tips she gave in her speech were very helpful. Many people do not listen anymore. Like she says, everyone wants to talk and get out what they would like to say. I think people would have better conversations if they would just listen and understand what everyone else is saying. People need to stop talking, and take in what is being told to them.

Here's what two of the million plus folks who have viewed the talk and to say:

"I thought this talk was very interesting and insightful, especially coming from someone who basically has conversations for a living. I like the comment about the importance of entering a conversation with the idea that you will learn something new, and I think it is fascinating to think that everyone we meet knows something we do not (like one of the quotes said). I was able to relate to the point she made about not always trying to relate by bringing in personal experience, because no two experiences are identical. I often get annoyed when people do that, whether it be something positive about their life when I share good news or something negative when I talk about my problems, but I know I do the same thing, so that is something I should be mindful of in my future conversations. I like to watch TED talks a lot, but this one is not one that I would normally have clicked on while watching on my own, and I am glad I was "forced" to watch it!" 

"When you are young, you are taught that you must be active listeners and to always pay attention when someone is speaking to you. However, you are never really taught what that really means. These are the ways to make business relationships and carry yourself with confidence, and I believe the points you made are very valid. Thanks for the advice on how to become a better conversationalist in an era driven by technology! :)"

Have a look:


I thoroughly enjoyed this video and all the ideas that were presented within it. I hope that you did too.

Have a GREAT day, be happy and…

Love Life!

Mitchell D. Weiner

Chief Happiness Officer  

*TED is a nonprofit devoted to Ideas Worth Spreading. It started out (in 1984) as a conference bringing together people from three worlds: Technology, Entertainment, Design. Since then its scope has become ever broader. Along with two annual conferences -- the TED Conference on the West Coast each spring, and the TEDGlobal conference in Edinburgh UK each summer -- TED includes the award-winning TED Talks video site, the Open Translation Project and TED Conversations, the inspiring TED Fellows and TEDx programs, and the annual TED Prize.  More at TED.com

Texting Ourselves Out of Existence

Photo: New York Times

"I’ve learned that the little devices most of us carry around are so powerful that they change not only what we do, but also who we are."

Good Morning Folks,

Over the past 15 years, I’ve studied technologies of mobile connection and talked to hundreds of people of all ages and circumstances about their plugged-in lives. I’ve learned that the little devices most of us carry around are so powerful that they change not only what we do, but also who we are.

This led me to an email I got on New Year's day from a San Francisco-based ops executive I know. She is 35 and single and wondering why she never meets the right man until she asked, "maybe he can't see me behind the phone always in front of my face."

This morning I thought I'd share Michelle's story because it is so emotional, poignant, and beautifully written. It is a cry for help, not just for Michelle. But for everyone reading this. How do we want to improve our lives and get the very best out of relationships.

Steve Jobs in an interview said there is a 50/50 chance life is like an on/off switch. There maybe life after dead, a God, and meanings beyond this life. But for us, the alive who are left behind by the dead – it is definitely an off switch. Life can turn on/off in an instant, so do we want to die with the phone clutched at breasts?"

Because no amount of spirituality, ritual, technology or ceremony will bring those we loss back in our lifetime and that is how it ought to be.

So what kind of life do we want to live and teach our children to be living?

Over to you, Michelle:

"I'm 35 and single and I'm at that age where clearly something must be wrong with me!  

When I think about New Years and resolutions, I could easily say to "find a great guy", but I don't think that's gonna cut it.  So, I'm taking a different approach in 2014. 

Just over a year ago a stranger stopped me and mentioned that he knew my morning coffee routine. My first thought was "stalker"! Then I hesitated and wondered how was it that I did not recognize him? Despite being very memorable I had no clue he existed let alone he had nearly the same routine and lived just 2 blocks from me. 

My morning routine consisted of multi-tasking on calls, checking emails, texts, and reading google news and anything else I could from my iPhone, all the while getting a morning walk and coffee in. 

Since meeting my estranged neighbor and realizing how completely unapproachable I appeared in my own hood, I decided to simply leave my iPhone behind. As the year progressed, it became a sort of accidental resolution and I decided to take it to the "extreme".  I stopped using earbuds altogether and I would often leave my phone in my bag ignoring calls, texts, and emails while I was out and about. 

This was going to be "amazing" I remember thinking.  And “how scary!" - To leave my iPhone behind while I get coffee, go shopping, or even workout - crazy. I actually recall worrying the first time I went to run “all the way” down to the Ferry Building without my iPhone because omg "how will I know what time it is!?

Never mind the fact that I was running to where the city’s largest clock stands!

I started this so curious about what would come. I had built this new found excitement to connect with total strangers the "good old fashioned" way.  Who would I meet?  What would I discover?  What was I missing out on?!?  So much to unfold.

So here I am, a year later and what happened?  Well, nothing like I imagined.  I did meet a handful of people. With the exception of one 27 yr old, the average age was a solid 60 - In a city full of 30-40 yr olds - not one person my age.

What I realized was that I was often alone with my no-phone self.  I found myself surrounded by phone-addicted drones who didn't even look up, let alone start a conversation.  There were several occasions where literally everyone in the room would be laser-focused on their laptops or smart phones, rarely if ever, looking up and with their ears plugged, certainly not even remotely approachable.  And then it dawned on me, is this why so many of us are still single? 

I know many single people who are struggling to connect with other like-minded people. 10 years ago when I think about how often and which places I would randomly meet new people, engage with and have meaningful conversations that would then lead to new opportunities, experiences, and relationships...those same old places are still there, but the opportunities to connect seem to no longer exist.

Just this morning while in line for coffee, a guy literally walked straight into me. I saw him coming and normally I would proactively dodge the drone phone user, but I decided to see what would happen. He literally walked straight into me while I was standing still in line. 

He was completely oblivious that I even existed or that there was even a line of people beside him for that matter! He managed to peel his eyes away from his phone for a split second, only to glance towards the door, as he kept walking out of the café. He didn’t even acknowledge the hit and run! 

Since I’ve left my iPhone behind, I now can't help but notice how unbelievably disconnected people are with their physical surroundings and how they lack the awareness of the presence of the people right beside them.  

So my suggestion (request really more than anything) if you're looking for your own New Years resolution for 2014 it's to simply leave your phone behind. 

There are some pretty awesome people right in front of you.  All the stuff on your smart phone will still be there.  If you run out the door without it, after your mini panic attack, nothing bad will happen.  Who knows, when you actually look up, maybe something amazing will!" 

Happy New Year.
MM

These days it’s hard to allocate the term “friend” to people that we only interact with online.

When I was growing up, friends were the kids that we shared games of soccer, hide and seek, or board games with. They were those that we shared a common school, were punished together for making fun of the teacher, or bled our knees from climbing the rocks behind the school building on an autumn afternoon.

Growing up, one made friends through other friends, at parties, at gatherings in smoky cafes, or in college. Some friendships would break and some would remain intact for years to come. Friendships were made in the army, while wishing that boot camp training was over, while guarding remote posts – missing loved ones a thousand miles away.

Eventually, as adults, we forged friendships with co-workers and with them we fought asshole bosses, shared lunch breaks and talked about sports and our personal relationships. We had BBQ’s and summer vacations together, taking silly or embarrassing pictures.

Somehow, some friendships evolved into long distance observations through Facebook, Twitter or via emails. We considered friends to “always be there” and to never ever grow older, or sicker.

We believed friends never die.

Finding out that a good friend, Adam H., passed away eight months ago in a motorcycle accident was a big shock for me and an even bigger awakening. Everyone involved seemingly assumed that everyone else knew about it; yet, no-one told several people about this extremely unfair human loss.

Being left with nothing but designs of websites and other digital traces of what used to be a lively man, reminded me how short and fleeting life is. Our footprints in the sand, our effect on others, our human legacy – they all depend on who we really are on the “inside”. There is no way to etch one’s soul onto silicon, no method to recreate life. Once it’s gone, it’s gone forever.

According to the New York Times, "FACE-TO-FACE conversation unfolds slowly. It teaches patience. When we communicate on our digital devices, we learn different habits. As we ramp up the volume and velocity of online connections, we start to expect faster answers. To get these, we ask one another simpler questions; we dumb down our communications, even on the most important matters. It is as though we have all put ourselves on cable news. Shakespeare might have said, “We are consum’d with that which we were nourish’d by.”

So get off your phones, if only to let more folks in.

With our texting addictions, are we redefining the perception of life for better or worse. As soldiers of the FSO mission, in doing so we all must make changes to protect the "Mitch Brand" and "Mitch Legacy" for externity.

Curious to know what you think.

Have a GREAT Day. Love Life.

I'll be a seeing you soon.

Mitchell D. Weiner

Chief Happiness Officer  

. . . . . ..  . . . . . . . . . . ..  . . . . . . . . . .  . . .  "If you want to change who you are, change what you do."  . . . . . . . . ..  . . . . . . . . . .  . . . . . . . . . . . .